Matt, Holy shit, holy shit, I am doing the happy dance. Hugging you and jumping for joy. I get a grip and look at your face. Matt, what’s wrong, this is the best news ever. You will be doing the work you love, making real money and having a sense of pride. I’m still not getting it. You look like you just received the worst news instead of this great news. You grab my shoulders holding me still. Your eyes bore into mine. Mom, I have to take a drug test…Ok, so take it. Oh God Matt, I still lived in my little world of denial. I figured that since I was handling your pills and being very stingy with how many you got that our problem was under control. I foolishly thought I’d fixed you again. I had no clue as to the many sources you had and believed that because you weren’t bugging me for them that you realized you really didn’t need them. Stupid, stupid me.
Days go by and your still evasive when I ask you about the job. Mom, I’m waiting. Waiting for what. It was then that it struck me. You were lying again. I’d overheard you on the phone asking about passing a piss test. Yes Matt, I did pretend to not notice you on the phone but my ears were on high alert as I tried to learn as much about who you were hanging with while pretending to be looking for my phone or whatever would pop into my mind when I saw you sneaking around talking in whispers. Passing a piss test. Ugh, so gross your slang. Couldn’t you just say drug or pee test, nope had to use words that conjured up images in my mind that I’d rather not think about. I guess my education regarding the slang used by addicts was in full swing. Thank you Google. I was educating myself and was amazed at the stuff posted on the internet. I guess if you could learn how to build a bomb you could certainly find out how to pass a piss test.
So you could pick up a detox kit from GNC. Well, I’ll be damn. I foolishly thought they were a health food store. The jokes on me. Addicts are beyond smart. I saw this sitting on your dresser when I was snooping or working out in your space. However you want to look at it you left it out and I found it. I, your naive mom just couldn’t believe what you were going to do. Take a chance on this stupid kit instead of not using. So it’s the big day. You leave the house with this big grin, like you were the cat that swallowed the canary. I decided to play along. Good luck. you got this, giving you a hug and letting you go. Oh God, wouldn’t it be easier to just stop then to play all these games.
I watch your car leave the neighborhood before I begin my daily search. Hoping to find your source of these demon pills. You were fox sly and tore the labels so I had no idea where your pill pushers were located. You are back way too quick and way too happy. Hey, how did it go. No worries Mom. I’ll start as soon as my results are back. A week passes, nothing. No call, nothing. I’m in a panic and you don’t care. Matt, call. You should be starting by now. Have you heard anything. I come home from work everyday and find you way too comfortable sitting in front of the TV. Matt, WTH. What is going on. Mom, get off my back. I grab your phone and look up the number. I call. You failed and you knew. I am ready to explode. Matt, why. I can’t even talk as I feel my body fall apart. The aftershock of your addiction once again kicking me in my gut. My high hopes for you shot out of the sky and all you can say is get off your back. I’ve always compared being your mom to riding a very fast, very high roller coaster. The ride left me breathless, heart pounding and feeling very unsettled. Never knowing from one day to the next where we were heading and how we would land. Once again, my hopes for a normal life shattered while you look at me with disgust.
Matt, this was the start of our ride. You finally got a job as a service writer. A job using your brain and not your back. Only by the grace of God passing the infamous piss test. You smelled a lot like vinegar for days but by now I didn’t care if you had to eat dog crap. Anything that worked to get you a job. I remember making your lunch, yeah I know, just like when you were in school. That’s how it felt. My boy getting back into the world. Having a purpose instead of planting yourself on the couch for the day. I was as happy as I could be. Pretending that we were finally on the road to normal. I allowed myself to ignore the slowness in your speech. You glazed eyes. Your excuse that you were just getting used to working again. Matt, are you stoned. Really Mom. You would look at me with such hate. I chose to stay in my little world slapping away those doubts that surfaced. Stop, I would tell my brain. He’s just tired. He’s been sleeping in and hanging out and now he has a time clock. Eight hour days. Cut him a break my heart would cry. My brain would send out warnings. Matt, Mom. Stop. I’m tired. My back hurts. I can’t sleep. I’m being watched. Matt. Please stop. Mom, get off my back. Matt, we are going out for my birthday. I’ve left dinner in the oven. We won’t be long. Mom, I got fired.
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