Matt, it was my birthday and I just got home from treating myself to a manicure.  Something I rarely did as a nurse, washing my hands a hundred times a day the polish didn’t last as long as it took to be applied.  But it felt good to do something for myself.  After having dinner with you and Ray that night I started to find myself thinking less about your addiction and more about my happiness.  Like doing little things just for me, the reason for the manicure.

It was a beautiful day, all the windows open.  Me thinking how nice it was to just be able to enjoy the day.  I was sitting out back when my silence was disturbed by the obnoxious sound that only comes from a motorcycle.  Dam, who is that and why are they crashing my party.  That horrible noise practically in my face as I’m forced to open my eyes  and feel the heat of the sun being blocked.  Surprise Mom.  Happy Birthday.  So it was my son blocking the sun on my face and disturbing the quiet my mind was beginning to crave.  Looking back, this was a defining moment that described our relationship perfectly. 

I was so touched that you came up from the beach to spend time with me, then I saw the crotch rocket that delivered you to my door.  Mom, you like my bike.  Matt, that’s no bike, that’s a donor cycle.  Holy shit Matt, you have no business having access to that.  What were you thinking.  Flashbacks of your daredevil teenage years riding motocross cycles and pushing it to the limit as you did with everything flooded my mind.  Mom, your just upset cause you’re a nurse.  Yes Matt,  I’ve scraped body parts off stretchers all results of accidents on bikes.  How about I lend you some money and you buy something safe.  Something that won’t kill me before it kills you.  Matt, haven’t you given me enough to worry about, now things are just calming down and you do this.  You wrap me in your famous hug, no worries Mom, I got this.

The accident happened shortly after you left my house.  Please Matt, be safe.  I can’t take much more.  You put your helmet on, I remember thanking God you even had one, hopped on the seat and took off, smiling and waving as you left.  That amazing, cocky smile that always melted my heart.  

I felt it, something so wrong I actually started to shake.  The phone ringing in the distance, glancing at the clock you  gone only 20 minutes.  How could this be. Yes I’m Matt’s mom, is he alive? Yes Christiana, tell him I will be there.  I was becoming quite the expert of sobbing while driving.  We arrive together, the ambulance pulling in as I run to meet the medics that came to your rescue.  You were awake, talking, your arm bloodied but you were alive.  Thank you God. 

You are rushed into trauma and I’m left to give the details and fill out forms.  Finally, I get to see for myself that you are ok.  You are cleaned up and comfortable, a little too comfortable for me.  Shit, Matt, did you tell them no narcotics.  You are drifting off to sleep as I grab your chart.  Two Percocet.  I closed my eyes as I heard the demons laugh.  Got ya!!!!!

Ok,  Dam the Hippa law.  I’m not doing this again.  Yes, he is an adult. Yes, he can make his own healthcare decisions.  This young, stupid doctor looking at me like I’m some overbearing pain in the ass.  You stupid shit.  My son is an addict.  I’m the mom/nurse that’s been saving him from himself.  Percocet,  is there no other drug for pain.  Don’t they teach you anything in Medical school.  Narcotics are killers and you just handed a script to an addict.  

We fought all the way home.  Your bike trashed.  No way to escape me.  You are not filling that script.  Mom, my arm is killing me and my back. The pain is horrible.  You’re a nurse.  Do you want me to be in pain.  What kind of mom are you to let me be in pain.   Really!!!!! you’ve got to be kidding.  I’m the kinda mom that detoxed you alone, the mom who paid your bills, cleaned your house, took care of your dogs while you were screaming, puking and getting the poison out of your body.  How can you put that poison back into your body,  what is wrong with you.  You have a problem, you will drag us back into that hell we barely escaped.  

I waited for you to fall asleep.  Still under the spell of the percs given in the hospital.  I looked through your things, remembering our game, you hide I seek.  Crumbled and hidden in your shoe the paper that would be the beginning of the end.  I tore it up, no longer caring what kind of mother you thought I was.   

I went to work thinking I saved us again.  Little did I know the demons were already at work, that script I tore up was a copy you made on my printer.  I was in such a hurry to destroy the devil my eyes failed to see how  far you would go to dance with the demons again.  I was planning on driving you home myself to make sure things were good.  Imagine my surprise when I came home to my dogs and an empty house.  You couldn’t wait to get away to start finding your way back to the euphoria you still craved.  Lisa picked you up not knowing that the future she sought with you would always be surrounded by the chaos that only demons can create.