Matt, It’s October 3rd 9 years and 9 months since you left me. I think of how long it’s been since I’ve seen your face or heard your voice and it still takes my breath away.
The trees are changing color. The geese are flying past the house honking as if to say hello we know. I remember all those times we would be together in the car and see the geese overhead. We would roll down the windows and listen to the beautiful sound of their voices crying out. Every time I hear that sound I close my eyes and try to remember your beautiful smile.
This fall is especially hard. I guess it’s another season you will never see. I remember how much you loved fall at the beach. The weather was still perfect and the crowds you hated were gone. It was once again you and the pups enjoying the emptiness as you walked through the surf with the dogs by your side.
I remember so many beautiful days shared by the sea. We both loved the solitude of just us and the pups. We had so many conversations about life. How we both envisioned it to be. Sharing our hopes and dreams. Little did we know the future would destroy those dreams. That you would be gone and I’d be left behind trying to make sense out of the pieces left behind.
I often wonder how I have survived all these years. It never ceases to shock me that almost ten years have pasted without you in my daily life. That you are gone, truly gone.
I’ve been dealing with grief and cancer all wrapped up in one overwhelming upheaval in this life I’ve tried to survive. So now a new season is upon us. A new season of grief. As Mother Nature turns her page and begins her transformation I ache to go back in time. To those beautiful, innocent days when our family was whole. Before the fabric was torn never to be repaired to its original form.
I’m left with no choice but to walk through this season as I’ve walked through so many others. Always looking over my shoulder wondering what if 9 years and 9 months ago fate had intervened and saved your life. What if……….
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