Matt, it’s been 8 years and one month since you left this earth and I still find myself in disbelief. January always hits me the hardest as it’s the beginning of another year but it’s also when you left.
Somedays I allow myself to pretend you are enjoying the beautiful weather in Florida. Spending time on the beach relaxing with friends. Then reality will sneak up on me and I feel the weight of grief hit my heart.
The other day I was grocery shopping and saw a can of Beef A Roni. I had to stop for a moment as the memory of sending you care packages of food came flooding back leaving me shaken.
I find myself longing to talk to you. To hear your voice, to see your smile. I know so many years have passed but the reality of life is just so unbearable that’s it’s easier to sink into the fantasy that you are alive.
I have days where I just sit and tell myself that you are really gone. That what’s left of you sits in an urn on my shelf next to the last picture taken while you were alive. It’s still seems so surreal and I have such a hard time wrapping my head around this truth that has become my life.
I’ve read that losing a child is the most devastating experience a parent can live through, I’m finding it’s also the most unbelievable. I look at pictures of you as a young child and wonder how did this happen. How did your life end before mine? Losing a child goes against what we are taught to be the natural order of things. Children bury their parents not the other way around.
I know that as long as I live I will carry my grief over losing you but now this disbelief had snuck into the open cracks in my heart. It appears to have moved in and has no intentions of ever leaving. Until we meet again I will carry you in my heart………….