So the weeks go by and I keep hearing the name Lisa. Lisa’s coming over, I’m going to Lisa’s. I tried to think happy thoughts, tried to be glad that you weren’t alone anymore, but that little nagging feeling wouldn’t let go of my heart. I knew the kind of people you gravitated to, and now with Natt gone, I feared your path would lead you right back to where you should never tread again. I started to notice that your calls were becoming less frequent and quick. My ears, now fine tuned for the signs that your demons were knocking on your door took over as I would listen to your words not really hearing what you were saying so much as how you were saying it.
Friends would tell me to relax. You spend so much time worrying about Matt, why don’t you worry about you. Matt’s living his life, you need to live yours.
Ok, so even though I tried to keep you under my radar, I was getting lonely. My frequent trips to our beach house were now interrupted by Lisa’s presence. The flow of our lives was changing again and I had to redirect my compass and find my own way. I kept telling myself that you were now a man and I should loosen the reins and let you grow up and away from me. I didn’t want Lisa to get the wrong impression and most important I didn’t want to embarrass you and cause any discord between us. So I kept the distance you required as you started your life with Lisa.
My friends urged me to start dating. One night, unable to sleep I just decided to just get up. I found myself in front of my computer reading emails when a pop up appeared. Match.com. Well, what the hell, I’ll fill out a profile and pay the $29.95 thirty day fee. This could be interesting, I was definitely not looking for anything serious, but a few free dinners was something I could be up for. So let the fun begin..
Well Matt, I must admit I now had something else to think about. I never knew there were so many assholes in such close proximity, but they all seemed to like my profile and send that stupid wink that I felt guilty for not responding to. As I was living what was becoming Match from hell.com, you were loving life. It appeared that you and Lisa were making it work as I continued to look for the signs that would take us back on the road leading to hell.
Well, finally the call I’d been waiting for. Hey Mom, come on down I want you to meet Lisa. I don’t know what hit when I heard those words, maybe it was my Mom instinct, but those warm, fussy feelings of excitement just weren’t there. I remember rehearsing my lines, like an actress up for the biggest part of her life. Questions swirled in my brain, does she know about your demons, did the relationship mean enough for you to reveal yourself completely to this woman. Oh God Matt, I felt like we needed a dress rehearsal to make this right. The drive down was quicker than I wanted it to be. I remember feeling like a kid on previous trips, are we there yet? In the past I couldn’t wait to get to you, this trip as my mind and heart raced I took my time. Excited to see you again but cautious as to how to approach this girl who you claimed to love. Our dirty little secret safely tucked in my heart.
Pulling up in Lisa’s driveway I remember my sweaty hands letting go of the wheel I had gripped so tightly. Taking a deep breath, ok lights, camera, action. I got out and stepped onto gravel. The house was adorable, outside clean and well landscaped. Dogs barking. Kahlua was bounding through the swinging door, bouncing and jumping at my feet. Her wet kisses so welcome. She looked at me as if she knew. It’s ok, she seemed to say. He’s ok, relax. Then there you were. That smile and those beautiful eyes. You came to me as you always did and wrapped me in your hug. God, it felt so good to see you again. You looked at me straight in the eyes and I knew our secret was still just ours. Ok Matt, I will play your game. I took it as a sign that you were clean and life was free of your demons. Out stepped a girl. I remember my first impression. Tall and very masculine. Nothing like the Natt I had come to love. Alright my brain said, don’t compare, Natt is gone and Lisa is here. Suck it up and be nice.
Sorry Matt, i just couldn’t do it. No matter how bad I wanted it to be, she just wasn’t you. I found myself really having to fake it. I caught myself observing you together, something just didn’t fit. She was just a little too bossy. Where Natt was soft,she was hard. I could feel how hard you were trying, there was nothing natural here. I remember standing in her kitchen with you, you saying “Mom, I did good”. Oh Matt, she did good. You are the sweetest, most loving man I had ever known, but still you were unsure of your worth and Lisa wasn’t the person to lift you up as you needed to stop the call of your demons. I stayed the weekend, but I slept at our house by the sea. Nothing felt right. You there, me alone with Kahlua. I felt such a feeling of dread almost like the day my hand wrapped around the bottle you hid so well. What were you hiding now I thought as I cried myself to sleep.
Tag: grief (Page 20 of 21)
Living in the chaos that becomes the addicts life is unthinkable for someone that lives a life of order. I found myself getting things back in order. That was the only way this mother of an addict can function. I remember the lists going around in my brain. Matt clean, check. House clean, check. dogs fed, check. Groceries bought, check. Bills paid, check. How foolish I was to think that my system of order would continue once I left you in our house by the sea. Matt, I think you should come home and stay with me awhile until we know you will cope with life without help from the pills you ran to when things got tough. No Mom, I don’t want to leave the beach. I love it here. The dogs love it here. I hate the rat race you live in. It’s peaceful here. I will be ok, trust me. Looking back I now know that trusting you was the biggest mistake I made. I wanted so bad for you to stay clean. I needed a break, you needed a break. I was in such denial thinking you could stay away from the euphoria that was becoming how you lived. A mothers denial is her worst enemy. I could confide in no one, this was our dirty little secret. Saying that you were an addict was way too hard for my brain to comprehend. It was easier to think you just had a problem that we fixed.
Your business, once so busy had slowly died while you were living with that monkey on your back. Your once loyal customers saw the changes in your appearance, your work ethic disappeared and even your sweet smile and apologies could not bring them back. One of the saddest days going with you to clean out your most prized possession. I remember the wide grin on your face, you were beaming with pride as you gave me the tour. Mom I did good. I remember how proud you were, you reminded me of a fighter that was shocked that he won the fight. You, who had little confidence, now owned his own garage. Your dreams finally coming true. God, I was so proud Matt. You were in business. Your reputation as an ace mechanic was spreading around Lewis. Business was booming as was the responsibility. Matt, you never handled stress, even positive stress well. I remember thanking God that you had come so far. Returning there with you was so painful. You tried to make it ok, but I knew you too well to know your heart was as broken as mine.
We packed what we could, locking the door behind us. Dreams now broken, It was time to find another.
So I left you in the house by the sea and returned to my own stress. Matt, you continued to be full of surprises. Mom, guess what. I found a job. A guy named Charlie heard about my garage and asked to see me. He hired me the same day, Mom, I am going to be ok. Oh God, how I prayed you would be.
Months passed and to my surprise, things calmed down and life found a rhythm again. Both of us working during the week and hanging out on the weekends. I still observed you like a hawk and went through your house looking like a detective on a witch hunt. Every visit, I held my breath until I looked into your eyes and saw a clearness that I craved as you craved your euphoria.
I remember you calling during the week. Mom, would you mind staying home this weekend. I met a girl and she is coming over. We’re renting a movie and hanging out. My heart stopped for an instant. Shit, a girl. Who was she, was she straight, what the hell, Matt…. I needed to trust you but, I was scared. I only knew Natt and she was gone. I didn’t want to be the Mom police but I just couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that suddenly gripped my heart. Oh God, please I need to trust him, Help.
There is nothing in your nursing education that can ever prepare you for watching the human body rid itself of the poisons it has come to crave. My mom used to say, Oh Marybeth, you think you know everything and can do it all”. I used to hate when she would be unsupportive of my goals, thinking back, I heard those word as clear as if she were standing there speaking directly to me. I had no idea how to get you through this horrible period of releasing the demons that you lived with on a daily basis to leave your precious body. Yes, I had years of ICU experience of seeing the human body at it’s worst, but you were my son and I was taking this on with no back up. There were no others in the house except our precious dogs hiding in the corner as they watched this horror unfold. I remember praying as the first waves of tremors hit. Making sure my phone was in reach and fully charged. A piece of your mail where I could grab as I worried that in my panic I would forget where we lived.
Blankets were on and off as the chills then sweats took turns wreaking havoc on your body. I remember trying to get my arms around you to support your trembling body, but my sweet Matt, you outweighed me by about 100 pounds. My arms could barely reach, so I sat on your lap as you shook and shook. Thinking that if this was the worst of it, piece of cake, no problem, I got this.
Stupid, stupid me! I remember being stunned as you threw me off your lap and started screaming. Your skin was on fire, being burned off your body. Dear God, I picked myself up seeing the blood on my arm that had been gashed by the force of my fall. Kahlua rose to her feet coming to me and growling at you. Her protective instinct now in full force, letting me know she had my back, there would be no more hurting Mom. I looked into her eyes and kissed her head. Thank you girl, he’s not our Matt. Forgive him. Sit and be still I will call out if he becomes angry and I need your body to protect mine. I remembered the quote that Dog is God spelled backwards, funny how silly stuff would pop into my head under times of extreme stress. I prayed again, strength for me and peace for you.
Day became night bringing vomiting, more violent behavior. Screaming as I tried to calm you with cool cloths and warm blankets. I remember guiding your broken body to the bathroom. Placing your clothed body into the cool water. I sat on the side and tried to rub your neck, head and arms. You vomited on my clothes, nothing but bile. Everything else gone from your system. I prayed this was the end of the nightmare
Night became day bringing new ugliness. You were out of control. The dogs were by my side as you screamed, kicked and punched. Your skin now crawling with bugs. You scratched until you bled, me trying to control your arms while we struggled. I was getting scared, you were out of control.
The dogs now barking, someone at the door. I told you to stop screaming thinking our dirty little secret was about to come to an end. I pushed you into the bedroom trying to quiet you and plan what my explanation would be to whoever was disturbing my plan. Wiping the tears from my face and forgetting about the vomit on my shirt, I opened the door. I looked into the face of an angel. You see Matt, in all my planning I forgot that I confided in another nurse about what was happening while I was supposed to be home sick from work.
She was another me, a nurse with the ICU mentality that knew everything and could do anything. She bolted past me to find you in wet clothes, looking like a shock victim. She looked at me then and said, ” I don’t know who looks worse, the nurse or the patient. She did know everything about detox as her brother worked as a Doctor in recovery. She came armed with knowledge and supplies.
She told me to take a break and mentioned ever so nicely that I stank. She said there was food in the kitchen, something I hadn’t even thought about until I heard my stomach growl and felt dizzy as I stood up. I decided to shower after seeing the disaster I had become in the 2 days we fought our battle. I remember looking in the mirror, the saddest eyes I had ever seen staring back at me. God how did we get here and where were we headed.
I remember coming out of the bathroom feeling somewhat human again. You were lying in bed clothes dry with fluids running asleep. We looked at each other, what happens in Lewes, stays in Lewes. She held me while I cried, snot running down my nose. We were used to snot, you know there isn’t much we nurses haven’t shared. I managed to eat the soup she brought remembering how wonderful and soothing it tasted. Chicken soup really was for the soul. She spent the night and kept watch while I slept. The house became calm again. The dogs curled up on the bed beside you. Raising their heads when we checked on you as if to say, we got this you rest.
The most beautiful words came in the morning. I fell asleep on the floor in your bedroom still afraid of what might be coming. Mom, hey Mom are you here. You sat up and looked into my eyes. I think you saw me for the first time as the glaze was gone from your eyes. Oh Mom, I’m so sorry. Are you ok, did I hurt you. I quickly covered up the gash on my arm and held you. No Matt, you didn’t hurt me, you just broke my heart.
To this day I will never understand why you chose to poison your body again. The torture I witnessed should never have happened again. I love you Matt.
Matt, I got there as quickly as I could. Calling the hospital and lying that I was so sick and didn’t know how long before I would be better. You see, my precious son, I was so sick, sick with fear and hurting so bad for you.
When I arrived you were curled up on the couch. The dogs, who were guarding you looked at me with a sadness in their eyes that I had never seen before. Your dogs knew we were in trouble. They let me get near and put my hands on you. Oh God Matt, you were so pale and barely aware that I was there. At first I started to raise my voice, as my fear washed over me and I felt chills run over my body. You were unshaven, unshowered, your clothes smelled. I remembered how you hated to take showers as a boy. You would start the water and sit on the toilet after putting clean pj’s on. Thinking that I would not catch on. Funny how memories of what you were as a boy would come to mind as you became an adult. I spoke softly to you then, telling you I was here and everything would be ok. Your wails were like a wounded animal. We sat, you, me and the dogs all curled up until you had cried yourself out. You looked at me with such sadness. “Thanks Mom, I knew I could count on you. I love you Matt. I love you Mom.
You see my son, I had known your sadness. I though my world crashed to the ground when your father left. Just walking out on the three of us. I remember the shock and numbness of knowing that life as you plan it was not to be. Our only difference was that I had you and Mike to keep me going. If anyone could get you through this it was me. I’m you’re mom and that’s what mothers do, save our son’s. If only I knew how foolish I was to think I had the power to save you. Denial became my powerful friend, little did I know it would become my most powerful enemy.
We sat all curled up as one for hours until darkness came and the nurse mom kicked in. I remembered then how you and Mike would complain to your friends that you had a doubly whammy. You had a kick ass mom who was also a nurse! Nothing was getting past me!
Ok, enough of the pity party, I made you get up and forced you into the bathroom. My nurse mind now taking over. There would be no dirty patient on my watch. So here were are, you fighting that you were fine, me threatening to strip you naked cause you know Matt, there ain’t nothing I haven’t seen in my career as a nurse. Once you’ve seen your first naked body there isn’t much shock factor left. We struggled, I won.
While you showered I started my search. Your home was just as dirty as you. Dishes piled up in the sink that would not be washed but tossed. I went through the house making mental notes of what needed to be tossed, cleaned and bought. I went through your bedroom like I did when you were a teen living at home. I remember feeling stressed, listening for the water to stop and hoping you were really under the spray, not sitting on the toilet like you did as a boy. I kept thinking this was an invasion of your privacy as a man. This was your personal space, but kept going through your drawers, your bathroom cabinets shaking the guilt out of my mind. Mother’s instinct kept pushing me. I remember that feeling so clearly as I lifted your mattress and swept my hand right onto the bottle. My breath caught in my chest. Oh God, please don’t let this be happening again. I remember closing my eyes as I pulled my hand out and wrapped my fingers around the amber bottle, afraid of what I was about to find. I remember being very quiet, holding my breath and listening, afraid for the reaction if you saw what I had in my hand. OXYCONTIN……….Dear God, HELP……
So Matt and Natt were living at the beach. I tried to give them a little guidance as they started their new life, suggesting that they rent and test the waters. Thinking if things didn’t work out there would be no ties to keep them from coming home, but those of us that have adult children know that we as parents know nothing about life and our kids will do what they do.
They settled into a sweet home by the sea. They were both so proud of their place and I remember how my heart swelled with pride and gratitude that they were on the right track.. I had visions of a wedding on the beach and grandbabies that would have Matt’s eyes, another sweet babe that I could fold under my wings and protect and watch grow into my mini Matt. My dream was just that a dream, as the demons lived by the sea.
Life went on as planned. I worked and adjusted to living without the kids. My friends would tell me that I should be glad to have the house to myself and enjoy this time of freedom that comes with being an empty nester. Little did they know that my life was really about the kids. My older son Mike was in the Coast Guard and had a beautiful wife, his life was so far away from Delaware and because of that Matt and I had stronger bond. We both felt the loss when Mike was gone. I never realized how much Matt missed his brother until one day I found Matt asleep in Mike’s bed. I remember standing in the hall, tears running down my face and thinking how selfish I was to not have realized how Mike’s absence affected Matt.
Months turned into years and we settled into a routine. Working all week and playing in the sea all weekend. Matt’s business was a great success. With success comes money, with money comes the man toys. First the kayaks, then jet skis. With each new purchase I would smile but inside I was feeling uncertain. Again I tried to offer advise of trying to find a balance. I would ever so quietly take Matt aside and suggest saving some of this money as we never know what the future will throw at us. He would look down on me and give me that famous smirk of his and say, “Mom, I don’t worry about tomorrow, life’s too short and I want to enjoy it to the fullest”. Little did we know how true those words would turn out to be. I look back now and realize that Matt was far wiser than his Mom. I’m so glad he didn’t listen and played with all the joy of a child, not worrying about the future as his future would be cut too short.
Matt called me at work one day and said he really needed me to come down the following weekend. He had a surprise for me. He sounded so excited. My mind went crazy. Finally my dream was coming true. The news of a proposal, or maybe he needed my help picking out the ring. Something I had been waiting for as Matt and Natt were going on seven years together, and this old fashioned Mom wanted to give my son away in front of family and friends to his beautiful Natt.
Well, as only Matt could pull off, he certainly surprised me. I arrived early and we grabbed the dogs and walked to the water. During that short walk, I kept looking at him, his smiling smirk reminding me of when he found the hidden Christmas presents and convinced Mike to help him unwrap them and then tried to rewrap so Mom would never know. I knew, but didn’t want to take away that innocent joy when they thought they pulled one over on Mom!
We reached the water and there she was, Natt standing on the biggest boat in the slip. Smiling from ear to ear, both so proud of the newest toy. I got this for you Mom, we can spend days fishing and playing in the sea. We can sleep under the stars in our boat. So off we went on our first of many trips. I turned away as the tears hit with the spray of the ocean. My dream would have to wait as Matt was following his dream with the abundant joy of a child seeing the toys under the tree and believing that Santa lives.
I can’t remember the exact moment in time when that feeling of something being off first hit me. They say to always listen to your gut instinct, well I believe that Mom’s have a radar and can see things that friends miss. I was starting to become that Mom again, the one that watches interactions like a hawk. My visits were no longer to relax, but to observe and try to fix what was starting to break.
Matt was spending more time on the boat then at work. Bills were left unpaid. Natt was pulling away. My questions were laughed off, Mom you worry too much, everything is fine. I’m just taking a break.
As we mother’s do and I did in the past, I started paying the mortgage. I loved the beach house and couldn’t imagine losing it. I would come on the weekends to find Matt on the couch, the house neglected, the dogs in need of walking. Oh please God, not again.
Matt called me one day sobbing uncontrollably, she’s gone Mom, she’s gone. I remember feeling dizzy and nauseous. My first thought being a car accident oh God why is this happening. Later I would come to understand that Natt had tried as I did to help Matt fight the demons that found him again by the sea. She could do no more and left to save herself. Her nightmare was ending as mine was about to begin again.
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