Tag: na (Page 5 of 6)

Living in the chaos that becomes the addicts life is unthinkable for someone that lives a life of order.  I found myself getting things back in order.  That was the only way this mother of an addict can function.  I remember the lists going around in my brain.  Matt clean, check. House clean, check. dogs fed, check. Groceries bought, check. Bills paid, check.  How foolish I was to think that my system of order would continue once I left you in our house by the sea.  Matt, I think you should come home and stay with me awhile until we know you will cope with life without help from the pills you ran to when things got tough.  No Mom, I don’t want to leave the beach.  I love it here.  The dogs love it here.  I hate the rat race you live in.  It’s peaceful here.  I will be ok, trust me.  Looking back I now know that trusting you was the biggest mistake I made.  I wanted so bad for you to stay clean.  I needed a break, you needed a break.  I was in such denial thinking you could stay away from the euphoria that was becoming how you lived.  A mothers denial is her worst enemy.  I could confide in no one, this was our dirty little secret.  Saying that you were an addict was way too hard for my brain to comprehend.  It was easier to think you just had a problem that we fixed.

Your business, once so busy had slowly died while you were living with that monkey on your back.  Your once loyal customers saw the changes in your appearance, your work ethic disappeared and even your sweet smile and apologies could not bring them back.  One of the saddest days going with you to clean out your most prized possession.  I remember the wide grin on your face, you were beaming with pride as you gave me the tour.  Mom I did good.   I remember how proud you were, you reminded me of a fighter that was shocked that he won the fight.  You, who had little confidence, now owned his own garage.  Your dreams finally coming true.  God, I was so proud Matt.  You were in business.  Your reputation as an ace mechanic was spreading around Lewis.  Business was booming as was the responsibility.  Matt, you never handled stress, even positive stress well.  I remember thanking God that you had come so far.  Returning there with you was so painful.  You tried to make it ok, but I knew you too well to know your heart was as broken as mine.

We packed what we could, locking the door behind us.  Dreams now broken,   It was time to find another.

So I left you in the house by the sea and returned to my own stress.  Matt, you continued to be full of surprises.  Mom, guess what.  I found a job.  A guy named Charlie heard about my garage and asked to see me.  He hired me the same day, Mom, I am going to be ok.  Oh God, how I prayed you would be. 

Months passed and to my surprise, things calmed down and life found a rhythm again.  Both of us working during the week and hanging out on the weekends.  I still observed you like a hawk and went through your house looking like a detective on a witch hunt.  Every visit, I held my breath until I looked into your eyes and saw a clearness that I craved as you craved your euphoria.

I remember you calling during the week.  Mom, would you mind staying home this weekend.  I met a girl and she is coming over.  We’re renting a movie and hanging out.  My heart stopped for an instant.  Shit, a girl.  Who was she, was she straight, what the hell, Matt…. I needed to trust you but, I was scared.  I only knew Natt and she was gone.  I didn’t want to be the Mom police but I just couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that suddenly gripped my heart.  Oh God, please I need to trust him, Help. 

There is nothing in your nursing education that can ever prepare you for watching the human body rid itself of the poisons it has come to crave.  My mom used to say, Oh Marybeth, you think you know everything and can do it all”.  I used to hate when she would be unsupportive of my goals, thinking back, I heard those word as clear as if she were standing there speaking directly to me.  I had no idea how to get you through this horrible period of releasing the demons that you lived with on a daily basis to leave your precious body.  Yes, I had years of ICU experience of seeing the human body at it’s worst, but you were my son and I was taking this on with no back up.  There were no others in the house except our precious dogs hiding in the corner as they watched this horror unfold.  I remember praying as the first waves of tremors hit. Making sure my phone was in reach and fully charged.  A piece of your mail where I could grab as I worried that in my panic I would forget where we lived.

Blankets were on and off as the chills then sweats took turns wreaking havoc on your body.  I remember trying to get my arms around you to support your trembling body, but my sweet Matt, you outweighed me by about 100 pounds.  My arms could barely reach, so I sat on your lap as you shook and shook.  Thinking that if this was the worst of it, piece of cake, no problem, I got this.

Stupid, stupid me!  I remember being stunned as you threw me off your lap and started screaming.  Your skin was on fire, being burned off your body. Dear God, I picked myself up seeing the blood on my arm that had been gashed by the force of my fall.  Kahlua rose to her feet coming to me and growling at you.  Her protective instinct now in full force, letting me know she had my back, there would be no more hurting Mom.  I looked into her eyes and kissed her head. Thank you girl, he’s not our Matt. Forgive him.  Sit and be still I will call out if he becomes angry and I need your body to protect mine.  I remembered the quote that Dog is God spelled backwards, funny how silly stuff would pop into my head under times of extreme stress.  I prayed again, strength for me and peace for you.

Day became night bringing vomiting, more violent behavior.  Screaming as I tried to calm you with cool cloths and warm blankets.  I remember guiding your broken body to the bathroom. Placing your clothed body into the cool water.  I sat on the side and tried to rub your neck, head and arms.  You vomited on my clothes, nothing but bile.  Everything else gone from your system.  I prayed this was the end of the nightmare

Night became day bringing new ugliness.  You were out of control.  The dogs were by my side as you screamed, kicked and punched.  Your skin now crawling with bugs.  You scratched until you bled, me trying to control your arms while we struggled.  I was getting scared, you were out of control.

The dogs now barking, someone at the door.  I told you to stop screaming thinking our dirty little secret was about to come to an end.  I pushed you into the bedroom trying to quiet you and plan what my explanation would be to whoever was disturbing my plan.  Wiping the tears from my face and forgetting about the vomit on my shirt, I opened the door.  I looked into the face of an angel.  You see Matt, in all my planning I forgot that I confided in another nurse about what was happening while I was supposed to be home sick from work.

She was another me, a nurse with the ICU mentality that knew everything and could do anything.  She bolted past me to find you in wet clothes, looking like a shock victim.  She looked at me then and said, ” I don’t know who looks worse, the nurse or the patient.  She did know everything about detox as her brother worked as a Doctor in recovery.  She came armed with knowledge and supplies. 

She told me to take a break and mentioned ever so nicely that I stank.  She said there was food in the kitchen, something I hadn’t even thought about until I heard my stomach growl and felt dizzy as I stood up.  I decided to shower after seeing the disaster I had become in the 2 days we fought our battle.  I remember looking in the mirror, the saddest eyes I had ever seen staring back at me.   God how did we get here and where were we headed. 

I remember coming out of the bathroom feeling somewhat human again.  You were lying in bed clothes dry with fluids running asleep.  We looked at each other, what happens in Lewes, stays in Lewes.  She held me while I cried, snot running down my nose.  We were used to snot, you know there isn’t much we nurses haven’t shared.  I managed to eat the soup she brought remembering how wonderful and soothing it tasted. Chicken soup really was for the soul. She spent the night and kept watch while I slept. The house became calm again. The dogs curled up on the bed beside you. Raising their heads when we checked on you as if to say, we got this you rest.
The most beautiful words came in the morning. I fell asleep on the floor in your bedroom still afraid of what might be coming. Mom, hey Mom are you here. You sat up and looked into my eyes. I think you saw me for the first time as the glaze was gone from your eyes. Oh Mom, I’m so sorry. Are you ok, did I hurt you. I quickly covered up the gash on my arm and held you. No Matt, you didn’t hurt me, you just broke my heart.
To this day I will never understand why you chose to poison your body again. The torture I witnessed should never have happened again. I love you Matt.

So Matt and Natt were living at the beach. I tried to give them a little guidance as they started their new life, suggesting that they rent and test the waters. Thinking if things didn’t work out there would be no ties to keep them from coming home, but those of us that have adult children know that we as parents know nothing about life and our kids will do what they do.
They settled into a sweet home by the sea. They were both so proud of their place and I remember how my heart swelled with pride and gratitude that they were on the right track.. I had visions of a wedding on the beach and grandbabies that would have Matt’s eyes, another sweet babe that I could fold under my wings and protect and watch grow into my mini Matt. My dream was just that a dream, as the demons lived by the sea.
Life went on as planned. I worked and adjusted to living without the kids. My friends would tell me that I should be glad to have the house to myself and enjoy this time of freedom that comes with being an empty nester. Little did they know that my life was really about the kids. My older son Mike was in the Coast Guard and had a beautiful wife, his life was so far away from Delaware and because of that Matt and I had stronger bond. We both felt the loss when Mike was gone. I never realized how much Matt missed his brother until one day I found Matt asleep in Mike’s bed. I remember standing in the hall, tears running down my face and thinking how selfish I was to not have realized how Mike’s absence affected Matt.

Months turned into years and we settled into a routine. Working all week and playing in the sea all weekend. Matt’s business was a great success. With success comes money, with money comes the man toys. First the kayaks, then jet skis. With each new purchase I would smile but inside I was feeling uncertain. Again I tried to offer advise of trying to find a balance. I would ever so quietly take Matt aside and suggest saving some of this money as we never know what the future will throw at us. He would look down on me and give me that famous smirk of his and say, “Mom, I don’t worry about tomorrow, life’s too short and I want to enjoy it to the fullest”. Little did we know how true those words would turn out to be. I look back now and realize that Matt was far wiser than his Mom. I’m so glad he didn’t listen and played with all the joy of a child, not worrying about the future as his future would be cut too short.
Matt called me at work one day and said he really needed me to come down the following weekend. He had a surprise for me. He sounded so excited. My mind went crazy. Finally my dream was coming true. The news of a proposal, or maybe he needed my help picking out the ring. Something I had been waiting for as Matt and Natt were going on seven years together, and this old fashioned Mom wanted to give my son away in front of family and friends to his beautiful Natt.
Well, as only Matt could pull off, he certainly surprised me. I arrived early and we grabbed the dogs and walked to the water. During that short walk, I kept looking at him, his smiling smirk reminding me of when he found the hidden Christmas presents and convinced Mike to help him unwrap them and then tried to rewrap so Mom would never know. I knew, but didn’t want to take away that innocent joy when they thought they pulled one over on Mom!
We reached the water and there she was, Natt standing on the biggest boat in the slip. Smiling from ear to ear, both so proud of the newest toy. I got this for you Mom, we can spend days fishing and playing in the sea. We can sleep under the stars in our boat. So off we went on our first of many trips. I turned away as the tears hit with the spray of the ocean. My dream would have to wait as Matt was following his dream with the abundant joy of a child seeing the toys under the tree and believing that Santa lives.
I can’t remember the exact moment in time when that feeling of something being off first hit me. They say to always listen to your gut instinct, well I believe that Mom’s have a radar and can see things that friends miss. I was starting to become that Mom again, the one that watches interactions like a hawk. My visits were no longer to relax, but to observe and try to fix what was starting to break.
Matt was spending more time on the boat then at work. Bills were left unpaid. Natt was pulling away. My questions were laughed off, Mom you worry too much, everything is fine. I’m just taking a break.
As we mother’s do and I did in the past, I started paying the mortgage. I loved the beach house and couldn’t imagine losing it. I would come on the weekends to find Matt on the couch, the house neglected, the dogs in need of walking. Oh please God, not again.
Matt called me one day sobbing uncontrollably, she’s gone Mom, she’s gone. I remember feeling dizzy and nauseous. My first thought being a car accident oh God why is this happening. Later I would come to understand that Natt had tried as I did to help Matt fight the demons that found him again by the sea. She could do no more and left to save herself. Her nightmare was ending as mine was about to begin again.