Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Tag: relationships (Page 3 of 4)

Hating The Waiting

September 5, 2015 / / 0 Comments

IMG_0572Matt,  the O.R. waiting room is packed.  I look around and see the faces of family members, their eyes telling the story of fear.  The anxiety is palpable in this room.  I find a seat by the door so I can make a quick exit when my own anxiety hits and I need my space to breathe.  Ray’s family files in and we claim our corner in this place where no one wants to be.  We are given name tags to be identified as family of the patient.  Ray’s sister hands me one that says Cichocki.  Put it on she says, you’re already a member we just need you to make it official.   I stick it on my shirt and start to think about the wedding.

Everything is set except the date.  We need to get through this day before we can even think of a time frame.  I have been blessed with a very flexible group of people willing to work with us to pull off this crazy wedding. For now Ray’s mom is the priority.  I sit and watch Ray.  He’s nervous.  Stress is taking the light out of his beautiful eyes.  His face is lined with worry.  It breaks my heart to see him this way.  Then it hits.  There is no relationship more precious than a mother and her son.  Oh God.  I look at this man, now a scared little boy.  I continue to watch, unobserved by Ray who is lost in his own world.  Is he thinking about his childhood.  Memories of his mom, the love they share.  The stories he’s told about his childhood always revolved around his mom.  Now I observe the man and know that the little boy lives inside that grown mans body and he wants his mom.

My thoughts drift to us.  All the great times we shared before the demons found you.  The joy and laughter.  The peace and love that filled our lives.  We shared the love of the sea, the love of dogs, the love of family and friends.  Now we share your addiction and our dirty little secret.  How did we become who we are.  You, my precious boy.  My friend.  I watched you grow from a happy go lucky young boy to a somewhat troubled adolescent to a very trouble man.  A man who found his answer in a bottle of pills.  Pills that changed who you were and turned me into a mom I never wanted to be.  Pills that made you do and say things we would have never imagined.  Pills that have allowed you to rip my heart out while I watched you start to self destruct.  Still my love for you remains unchanged.  You are my son and I am your mother.  I know you love me as much as I love you.  I know it’s the demons that make you ugly and hateful.  I know as long as there is a breath in my body I will fight the fight to keep you free from the hell and chaos your demons bring.  This bond is like no other.  The cord is never cut.  Mothers stay in connection with their sons.  The love never stops.  Hate the addiction Love the addict.

I drift back to reality.  This is crazy.  I hate hospitals, yes I know I work here.  I hate being on this side.  The waiting side, the no control side.  You know I’m always in control.  Ok, I think God is teaching me patients.  I tell Ray I need to get some air.  I need to call you.  I need to hear your voice and tell you I love you.  I need to hear that you’re ok.  No chaos today.  I couldn’t take it today.  You answer quickly.  Hey Mom, whats up.  I listen closely now not liking the greeting.  Matt, where are you, are you ok.  Fine Mom, just fine.  Oh God, not now.  Not when I need to be here, not when I’ve asked you to stay clean.  Not after the promise. Matt, what the hell.  I’m in the hospital waiting to hear about Ray’s mom.  I can’t handle this now.  I’m trying to keep my voice down as the panic is rising in my chest.  How could you do this to me now.  I’m trying to reason with you as I feel a hand on my arm.  I turn to see Ray’s face.  His eyes full of concern.  Matt stop this now.  I hang up. Breathless.  Ray looking at me waiting for an explanation.  Oh God, I can’t do this today.  Can’t dump this on him now.  Need more time to sort this out.  Maybe Matt was just tired.  Maybe just stressed.  I was going to maybe myself right out of this one.  No way was I going down this ugly road today.  Forgive me God, but I’m going to lie.  Nothing big.  Matt just being Matt.

Rays sister appears.  A smile on her face.  Mom is fine. Surgery over.  We can see her soon.  Thank you God.  Some great news.  I see Ray relax.  The worry slipping from his face.  Our conversation forgotten.  We return to our corner.  A calmness now settles around us.  I put my I’m just great mask on.  Oh God, what now.  I’m smiling and talking but my mind is spinning.  Trying to be part of this happy family, sharing the joy of a mother saved.  One day so many emotions.  I’m beat.  My heart heavy with the burden of the unknown.  My dirty little secret buried for now…..No laughter just deafening silence.

 

Shit Happens Again!

August 28, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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Matt,  I couldn’t believe the turn of events.  One minute I’m on cloud nine the next I’m sitting in the hospital waiting for word on Ray’s Mom.  My mind is racing.  Thinking about you , thinking about her.  Life just wasn’t fair.  Just when I thought it would be all smooth sailing another wrench gets thrown in my face.  It felt like forever and my mind kept drifting back to you.  Were you playing me again.  Were you really being honest or just being the Matt I needed you to be to keep me off your back.  I wanted to call you to let you know what was happening or maybe it was just to ease my mind.  To push away those nagging doubts that kept creeping into my brain.   Your addiction always had a way of holding me captive no matter what situation I was going through. I Felt guilty sitting there thinking about you when Ray and his Dad were so worried about someone else.  I tried to pay attention to their questions.  Trying to keep them calm, but the longer we waited the more my nursing gut was telling me something was terribly wrong.  I’d only known Ray’s Mom for a short period of time but loved the way they cared so much for each other.  It was something I ‘d come to hope for our future.  You getting and staying clean and us having a normal mother and son relationship, not the love me, hate me, save me, one we had going on for years.

So once again here I am making deals with God.  Ok God, you let her be ok and I’ll tell the truth about Matt.  Ok God, you keep Matt clean and I’ll never lie about him again.  Ok God, before I could list my next deal the doors to the waiting room open.  My heart sinks as I look at the Cardiologists face.  Oh God, I know that look, I’ve seen it too many times only I’ve always been on the other side, the side walking with the doctor to support the family.  I wasn’t liking this side as my nursing gut was silently screaming.  A CABG, your wife, mom needs bypass surgery.  She needs it tomorrow.  Holy shit.  my brain is screaming.  Holy shit, holy shit.  This is the worst news.  I look at Ray and his Dad.  They look shell shocked. Both asking questions not really understanding what just happened.  I start questioning the doctor.  He looks at me like hey, you are educated.  You know what I’m saying and how serious this is.  Our eyes meet silently communicating.  When can we see her I ask.  Let’s get her settled in the ICU.  Wait and I’ll send someone to get you.

So we wait.  I’m trying very hard to be optimistic.  All eyes are watching my face. I can feel my throat getting  tighter and tighter.  Ok God, exactly what are you doing.  Are you postponing the wedding for a reason.  I just don’t get it.  Can’t I ever catch a break.  Now is the perfect time.  Matt is ok, he’s on board to stay clean.  He wants me to be happy, to have a life and now you have to let this happen.  You could have waited, this could have happened later.  Oh my God, listen to me.  Listen to the selfish person I’ve become.  Matt’s addiction has screwed my brain turning me into this horrible person.  This isn’t who I am.  I care about people.  I love Ray and his family.  Matt’s addiction has become mine.  I’m constantly hiding and planning, trying desperately to have a little piece of normal when I can.  Before the demons come again and drag me down with Matt.  Oh God, please let this all work out.  Let Rays Mom get well.  Help Matt to stay clean.   I will be better.  No more hiding and lying to cover for Matt.  If he uses again I’ll come clean.  I’ll tell the truth and if I end up alone so be it.

I’m so lost in my thoughts that I don’t hear the doors open.  I don’t hear Ray say we can see her now.  He grabs my arm.  Are you ok he asks.  I smile the smile that has become my mask.  I’m great, let’s go see your mom.  I’m recognized by the nurses as we walk to her bedside.  I’m trying just to say hi, but I’m looking at the monitor, BP, her color and movement.  Once a nurse always a nurse.  She opens her eyes and smiles.  Ray and his Dad are both so relieved to see her.  She grabs my hand.  I’m so glad you and Ray are getting married.  You are so good together.  I try to keep the tears from showing.  I’m supposed to be the strong one here.  The tough girl, the nurse who saves everyone.  The wedding will wait until you can dance with your son.   The wedding.  Oh God, please I’m begging now.  Let this woman be there to dance with her son and let my son be there to dance with this mother.   I stand there looking around at my familiar territory.  It hits me then just how in the blink of an eye life can change.  Illness, addiction throwing you into a spin.  Never knowing how you will land or what you will face when the spinning stops.  Plans made, promises made, lies told, secrets kept.   No demons tonight just the soft laughter of God.

Have A Heart

August 22, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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Matt,  I think I floated home that night.  My heart so happy believing I finally had you back.  Instead of me, myself and I rehearsing the speech I prepared to deliver we were singing.  Oh how we were singing.  I felt so light, so happy like I’d just been handed a million dollars.  I just couldn’t believe how things worked out when we talked.  I’d come prepared for battle.  Had all the reasons ready to shoot out of my mouth and then I see you by the sea with your dogs and all the anger and frustration were washed away with the out going  tide.  I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my weary shoulders.  You were finally getting it.  I didn’t have to yell or threaten, you were on board to get your life back on track.  Now I could plan for my future without that constant nagging feeling that something would blow up in my face.  What a gift to give to your exhausted mother.

Now that I was free to focus on something other than you I started to plan my wedding.  I’d gotten used to the laughs when I told people that yes it’s this September not next and I was definitely  serious.  It turned into a game for me to find anyone who was as reckless as I was and willing to go out on a limb to help pull off my dream.  I am a beach person so of course the first place I thought about was the beach.  That was until both sets of parents looked like I’d said the F word. Yes I know.  Ray and I were both adults, but we both wanted our parents to enjoy the day so now I had to find a church.  Well how do two divorced people find a church to marry them.  We were both raised as Catholic so that was like asking a priest to shake hands with the devil.  I though for sure the church would be struck by lightning if we dare think we could set foot in the door and ask to be married.

We both loved mountain biking, yeah remember the mangled wrist that led us to this point.  Well we always passed this adorable tiny church hidden in the woods when we biked in Fairhill.  Perfect I thought.  This would satisfy the Catholic parents.  Unfortunately it was always closed whenever we passed by.  One day on a whim I stopped and looked in the windows.  It was perfect.  Just what the doctor ordered.  I took pictures and showed Ray.  He really didn’t care where we were married so off I went on my quest  to get into this church.  It just so happened that a fellow biker knew the minister.  So now we have our church.  Big enough for 70 people.  Absolutely adorable.  Plans were progressing.  You and I kept in touch and you sounded fantastic.  No sign that the demons had returned.   We made plans for you to come and stay the weekend.  We needed to get my mechanic son a suit.

Ray has been amazing.  Giving me full control over the planning.  I think he knew it would keep me busy and out of trouble.  I kept threatening to get back on my bike and conquer the hill that took me down.  He’s a smart guy.  You show up on a Friday night.  I, out of habit go through my checklist.  You pass with flying colors.  Oh God,  this is so wonderful.  We beat the demons, Matt’s back.  We shop and find you the perfect suit.  It is so wonderful to have you back.  To be able to have a conversation without your glazed eyes looking back at me.  Your head not bobbing like a broken toy.  I am flying.  On cloud nine.  I’m marrying the man of my dreams and Matt is back.  It doesn’t  get any better than this.  We spent the weekend together,  just you and me.  It felt like the old days before the demons turned our lives upside down.  I kept pinching myself.  This was truly amazing.  Once again I fought to keep the little warning voices out of my head.  Too good to be true.  He’s saying everything you need to hear.  Little voices of warning trying to steal my peace.  I beat them back and continued to believe we were the normal, happy family I so needed us to be.   Sunday came and you headed back to the sea.  I remember watching you leave, my heart begging for this new you to be the true you.  Your addiction had made you the best at pretending to be who I needed you to be.  I just couldn’t let myself believe you would do it to me again.

The  week goes by and my phone rings.  Holy S.. my boss.  Yes, I still want to come back to work.  Really, a per diem position.  Yes, I’ll take it.  Oh My Gosh.  Everything is beautiful.  I have a job,  I can save the beach house.  I am floating on air when Ray walks in.  Hey, guess what.  I’m going back to work.  Yes, as soon as I’m released from P.T.  So if you want to back out of this proposal now’s the time.  You look at me and laugh.  I wouldn’t miss this for the world, you say.   I feel like finally the planets have aligned, they are all spinning in my direction.  Life is good.  My son is good so I am absolutely wonderful.  I am laughing and dancing and you are looking at me like I’m crazy.  It’s all ok, no more dirty little secret to hide.  We are free.

In the midst of my joy your phone rings.  I stop and look at your face.  Oh God, what.  Now it is you that needs holding.  We race to the hospital, my joy with Matt forgotten.  The ED is busy.  I rush in ahead and find your Dad.  He is scared and shaky.  I brought Mom in.  She’s been sick all day and has just gotten worse.  I walk into her room and see what no nurse ever wants to see.  You bring Dad in the room.  Ray,  do you see those waves on the monitor.  Yes, they are what we refer to as Firemen.  Your Mom is having a heart attack. I ring her bell and call for help.  Ray, grab your Dad,  this room is about to go crazy.  Doctors and nurses rush in.  Papers are signed.  I grab you both and hit the hallway as your Mom is rushed to the cath lab.  Now we sit, the three of us lost in our own thoughts.  You Dad sits so still, looking so frail.  You are asking questions I really don’t want to answer.  I hate being a nurse.  I want to fix everything.  My addict son and now your ailing mother.  Ok God I think.  What are you doing.  I’m not trying to be selfish but WTH are you doing.  This is crazy.  Just when life was settling down,  just when a little piece of happy and normal came my way.  I look at you and grab your hand.  The wedding will wait.  Your eyes break my heart.  Another mother and son depending on luck and faith to keep them together.  My heart is breaking.  I remember all the times I almost lost Matt.  Ok God,  you win.  I couldn’t stop the chill that gripped my heart.  The demons were laughing as we were praying to save a mother for her son.

 

 

A Ray of Hope

August 6, 2015 / / 0 Comments

 

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Matt,  Ray just proposed and I accepted.  I should be jumping for joy, on cloud nine, dancing on air.  Instead all I’m thinking about is our dirty little secret.   How can I bring this great guy into my life of chaos.  You aren’t a child, yet I feel such a responsibility for your life.  You always count on me to bail you out, to fix your screw ups and I somehow always do.  How long would Ray find that acceptable.  How would he feel about me working extra shifts to pay your bills.  How long would it take him to figure it all out.  That I am the best enabler a grown man could ever have.  How would he feel about me then.  More importantly how would he feel about you.

I could never let anyone put you down.  I have seen you battle your demons and have fought by your side.  I don’t know what to do.  I really said yes,  holy crap, what was I thinking.  How could I start a marriage with a lie.  You and I have been thick as thieves keeping your addiction from everyone.  My God, your brother Mike  had no clue.  Thankfully he was stationed in Florida a very safe distance from us.  Busy battling the very people you were buying drugs from.  Not one person in our entire family knew anything about your addiction.  How could I think we were gonna continue to hide when Ray would be under the same roof.  I carried the burden of having a son who was an addict alone and didn’t know if I was ready to share.

Oh God Matt, once again your addiction was casting shadows in my life.  This should be a happy time.  I should be making wedding plans not planning a conversation about how to tell the man I love that if he marries me he will be joining the wild ride that comes with the chaos of addiction.  Hold on to your hat Ray, you are signing up for the ride of your life.  The roller coaster that twists and turns then drops you ten feet sucking the breath out of your lungs and leaving you feeling shocked and pissed all at once.  Welcome to my world you lucky, lucky man.

I call, you answer.  Hey Matt we need to talk.  You sound ok,  just quiet.  Mom, I hate that you are stuck paying the mortgage.  I thought I could pick up side jobs and make up the money.  I thought I could,  Matt, save it I say.  You let this go on for months without even thinking about what would happen.  It’s a mortgage not a credit card bill.  A mortgage, like a big people bill that if you don’t pay you get to leave.  Matt, I’m still trying to figure out how to dig us out of this mess that I had no idea was even being created.  You continue to lie and hide what you are doing and now I am selling my stuff and haven’t even been able to come close to catching us up, and guess what.  I lost my job. Yup, you heard right.  I had to get back two weeks ago to have that wonderful place hold my position.  Guess what Matt, we are so screwed.   So this is the new plan.  Those jet skis gone.  Sell them now and every penny goes to catching up this mortgage.  WTH Mom,  I love those things.  I can’t sell them, that’s so not fair.  Ok, now my heart starts racing and I’m getting pissed.  So let me get this right, I’m trying to remain calm as my brain is screaming selfish brat.  It’s perfectly fine that I sell my stuff but you get to keep your precious toys.  Well I’ll be isn’t that just peachy.  Sell them or I sink them.   BS you scream.  Yup that right Matt.  It is BS that I have picked up the pieces of your mess and now when I ask you to be unselfish and help clean up the mess you created you tell me BS.

Now I’m crying and shouting about how selfish you are, how I hate what your addiction has done to my life, those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness flooding my body as I hate this person I become.  I finally stop sobbing and hear, Your Right Mom.  It’s my fault and I will sell them.  Please don’t cry I hate when we fight.  God Matt, you could always wrap me around your finger.  Just sell one I say.  We’ll start with one and see how much we get.  Once again I go into my protect Matt mode.  Don’t stress him out.  You’ll push him straight to the pills.  Oh and Matt,  I think I’m going to marry Ray.  He asked and I said yes.  Hey Mom, that’s great.  He’s a great guy and you deserve a great guy. You sound just a little too happy.  Almost making me think that you think if I get married  I won’t have time to keep an eye on you and your lifestyle.  That the Mom police will disappear.   Really Matt, you think we can make this work.  He knows nothing about our dirty little secret.  Can I trust you to stay straight.  I need you to be good.  No pills or whatever it is you do when you think I won’t find out.  Please Matt.  I have always been there for you.  Now I need you to do this one thing for me.  I can’t marry him if you’re going to keep screwing up and expecting me to fix it.  Ray deserves better and I won’t bring him into this family if you can’t start to act like a responsible adult.  I really want to be happy Matt.  To have a normal life with the man I love.   Sure Mom, whatever you want.  I’ll do whatever you want.  Matt, somehow those words should have eased my worried mind,  Instead I felt an uneasiness creeping into my bones.  Like a chill warning me to be very careful,  addicts lie my little voice was saying.  They say just what you need to hear pretending to care about you, saying they want you to be happy.  To have a normal life.  To be just one big happy family.  I could almost see the smirk on your face as you said the words I so needed to hear.  Anything for you Mom.  Oh God,  I think I’m going to puke.

Silence, Not Always So Golden

July 24, 2015 / / 0 Comments

Matt,  The ride home was the longest hour and a half of my life.  The silence between me and your grandmother was deafening.  I couldn’t even try to start a conversation for fear that my carefully constructed  dam would start to crack and my tears would turn to uncontrollable sobs.  I kept staring out the window telling myself that once again I would figure out a way to fix this.  Your grandmother knew something was terribly wrong but was wise enough to keep both her questions and comments to herself.

I was used to doing this drive alone and I used the time to clear my head and start to come up with different plans to fix whatever I happened to find broken on my visits.   Alone, I could talk to myself out loud and cry if I needed to with no one to witness my falling apart.  Just me, myself and I was my joke to myself as all three of us would plan the next stage of battle against your demons.  Having your grandmother in the car robbed me of precious planning time.  I would rehearse my speech to you preparing me for your angry phone calls choosing my words carefully to avoid a screaming match when you found that once again I’d taken your most precious possession and flushed them away.

Instead I sat and watched the scenery pass by trying to hold back the sobs that kept forming in my heart.  How could you keep doing this to us.  Why did those pills mean more to you than anything else.  How did you not understand that it was because of that white poison that your life was so full of chaos.  How much more did you have to lose before you got that ah ha moment.  I guess I just didn’t understand how you could continue to hurt us both so badly.  Carrying our secret was causing such havoc in my life.  I was so consumed with keeping you safe that my own happiness always took a back seat to whatever you needed.

Finally we get home.  I ask your grandmother if she wants to come in and I’m so thankful that she just wants to get herself out of her clothes and into the shower.  Of course she had to let me know that your place was the dirtiest she’d been to in a while.  Oh Mom,  I thought you don’t even have a clue.  His house is the least of my problems.

I let myself in and finally allow the tears to come.  I’m so upset and frustrated with this whole situation.  If only I didn’t break my wrist I tell myself I would have been there to keep a close eye on you.  I constantly blame myself for you slipping back to your demons.  As if I have the power to keep you away from your one true love.  I sit and wait.  watching the clock and rehearsing my speech, knowing that your hateful call will be coming soon.  I say the words that I’ve so carefully chosen over and over again just so in the heat of the moment I can still be that cool Mom who stays rational while you are flipping out.

The phone rings and I jump telling myself to breath and willing my heart to slow down.  For God sake I tell myself, calm down you can handle this.  I answer expecting to hear your voice.  Yes, this is she.  Who is this.  The mortgage company calling to inform me the payment hasn’t been made in six months.  They have given up leaving you messages and found my name and number on your paperwork as I put the down payment on our little piece of heaven by the sea.   Ok, now I’m pissed.  The cool Mom left the building and the mad as hell Mom took her place.

The phone rings again.  This time I’m ready.  The hell with my pretty little speech.  I want answers and I want them now.  Hello.  Mom, what the hell.  Matt, what the hell.  We both start yelling at the same time.  You telling me I disrespected your privacy.  Me telling you I came and cleaned just like you wanted before I was broken.  What’s the matter Matt I ask.  Thought you could just live however and do whatever and take whatever to make all your troubles go away.  What the hell are you doing down there.  What are you spending your money on.  Oh wait,  your spending your money on those little white pills I crushed and flushed.  WTF you scream.  That’s right buddy boy.  I found them and they are gone.  You hang up.  I’m pacing and shaking.  Ok God,  can you fix this one.  What am I going to do.  I’m not working.  I can’t pull extra shifts to get the mortgage caught up.  How can this be happening.  He lost his business, now our house is being put in jeopardy all for the love of demons.  I sit and start to sob.  This is the last straw.  My spirit now broken.  The dogs come and we sit as I try to pull myself together enough to once again come up with a plan to fix the mess your addiction keeps dropping into our lives.

You call again.  The shouting starts.  How dare you Mom.  How dare you come here and take my pills.  Who do you think you are.  How dare I, I scream and who do I think I am I scream.  I’m the one bailing your ass out of every mess your lovely Percs get you into.  I’m the one paying your bills, and taking care of all the shit you throw my way.  I’m the one cleaning your house and your vomit and ducking your punches when your high and coming down hard.  I’m the one calling the rehabs begging to get you in when you are briefly aware that you need help.   I’m the one and only one trying to save your life.  I’m the one who hates the person you become when your demons have control but love the son I know you can be.  You tell me go to hell and hang up.  I’m already in hell I think,  I’ve been in hell for years fighting your demons.  Your addiction has turned my life into a living hell.  I turn off the lights and sit in the dark trying to quiet my mind.   Silence I just need silence.  Stop laughing demons.  This battle is not over…..

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