Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Category: Uncategorized (Page 2 of 7)

It’s Said All Dogs Go To Heaven.

December 28, 2024 /

 

Matt,  yesterday we lost our precious Scarlett.   She started to get sick 3 weeks ago and it just went downhill so quickly.   I’m still in shock.  I feel like it’s losing another piece of you all over again.  

I remember getting the call about a little dog who had been set on fire in Georgia.  Thank God she survived but she needed her burn cared for and since I was a nurse the rescue called to see if I could foster her.  

I remember asking if you wanted to take a ride to go get this pup.  We both loved dogs so I knew you would be on board.   We arrived at the rescue and walked into the barn to a kennel full of healthy lab pups.  I remember we both looked confused as these pups were perfectly fine.  

We kept walking around and finally found this tiny little pup with a hairless back due to the severity of the burns.  

I remember you reaching into her crate and bringing out the tiniest little baby.   She fit into the palm of your hand.  We decided to name her Scarlett to make a little beauty out of the trauma she suffered.  

She curled up in your hand and slept all the way home.  She was so tiny we had to find a collar in the ferret department.  

We soon learned that in that tiny body was the spirit of a big dog.   She fit right in with our pack.  Her personality was unique.  She quickly became the boss of the pack and of us.   She learned to spin and twirl in front of the biscuit jar to ensure she got her treat.  

I had 12 amazing years of loving our precious girl.  You loved snuggling with her and one day I captured you in what world turn out to be the last picture of you and Scarlett.  

It happened so quickly.   I’m still in shock.  So unexpected just like your death.  One week she was good then she wasn’t.  Refusing to eat or drink no matter what was offered.  We tried everything just like we did for you.   The vet said kidney failure.  Nothing could reverse the damage.  We loved her to the end.  Her last day was spent in my arms.  I remember telling her to look for her Uncle Matt that you would be there waiting at the Rainbow Bridge.  I laid her on her  bed in front of the sunny window letting her feel the warmth of the sun as she did on so many occasions.   

I talked to you letting you know what was happening.  I wondered if you heard me.  As she took her last breaths did you hear me calling out to you?  I can only pray that she is in your arms now.  That you are both happy and healthy.  That the rainbow bridge is connected to Heaven and one day we will share hugs and puppy kisses once again.  

 

Signs From Heaven At Christmas

December 24, 2024 /

Matt,   Today I was assembling backpacks for a homeless Christmas outreach and of course I’m thinking of you.  I’ve been doing A Hug From Matt ever since you left me behind.  I do this ministry for the homeless to keep your memory alive and to honor your life.  

As I was going through a bag of new donations I pulled out this hat. I stood there holding it in my hands as memories flooded my mind.  I haven’t seen a Snap On hat for years. I remember you wearing yours in winter.  Snap On gifted you a hat one winter for being a steady customer.  I never knew what became of it.  I never found it when I was going through your things.  

As I hugged the hat to my heart I felt a warmth spread through my body. It was as if I was getting a hug from you.  It was the first time I’ve felt a little bit of joy this holiday season.  The holidays continue to be swirling with grief as I realize it’s another year without you.  I’m trying to believe in signs especially this time of year.  

I try to imagine Christmas in Heaven and what you must be experiencing.  I pray it’s peaceful, full of beauty and joy surrounded by love and light.  

I will miss you everyday of my life.  Merry Christmas in Heaven my beautiful boy.  Thanks for the gift of a hat that carried you to me.  

 

 

 

 

Seasons Change Grief Remains

October 3, 2024 /

Matt,   It’s October 3rd 9 years and 9 months since you left me.  I think of how long it’s been since I’ve seen your face or heard your voice and it still takes my breath away.  

The trees are changing color.  The geese are flying past the house honking as if to say hello we know.  I remember all those times we would be together in the car and see the geese overhead.  We would roll down the windows and listen to the beautiful sound of their voices crying out.  Every time I hear that sound I close my eyes and try to remember your beautiful smile.  

This fall is especially hard.  I guess it’s another season you will never see.  I remember how much you loved fall at the beach.  The weather was still perfect and the crowds you hated were gone.  It was once again you and the pups enjoying the emptiness as you walked through the surf with the dogs by your side.  

I remember so many beautiful days shared by the sea.  We both loved the solitude of just us and the pups.  We had so many conversations about life.  How we both envisioned it to be. Sharing our hopes and dreams.  Little did we know the future would destroy those dreams.  That you would be gone and I’d be left behind trying to make sense out of the pieces left behind.  

I often wonder how I have survived all these years.  It never ceases to shock me that almost ten years have pasted without you in my daily life.  That you are gone, truly gone. 

I’ve been dealing with grief and cancer all wrapped up in one overwhelming upheaval in this life I’ve tried to survive. So now a new season is upon us.  A new season of grief. As Mother Nature turns her page and begins her transformation I ache to go back in time.  To those beautiful, innocent days when our family was whole.  Before the fabric was torn never to be repaired to its original form. 
I’m left with no choice but to walk through this season as I’ve walked through so many others.  Always looking over my shoulder wondering what if 9 years and 9 months ago fate had intervened and saved your life.  What if……….

 

I GET IT

August 15, 2024 /

 

Matt,  I finally understand.   The need to escape the world in which we have nothing but pain and stress.   Until it happened to me I could never comprehend how chronic pain could suck the joy out of life.  I could never understand the power of the anxiety that walks hand in hand with this pain. 

This summer has been a shit show.   June 24th I go to Penn for my 6th month CT.  figuring its been 4 years of clean scans, I was really not thinking anything would have the nerve to pop up after this time.   You know Cancer is a lot like addiction.  It fools you into thinking you are in control then it slaps you in the face with that powerful GOT YA.  

They find a nodule in the base of my right lung.  Seems the little shit has been there for 3 years growing like a nasty weed that you just can’t seem to get rid of.  Now it’s reached the danger zone and something needs to be done.  

So now I have to go through what they call a simulation test.  Sounds so simple, but it’s pure hell.  It’s a combination CT and PET scan where you lay on a hard metal table for what seems like forever.  I remember how after your back surgery you were always so uncomfortable laying on your back.  As I lay there I replayed many conversations we had about your pain.  Still no matter how much you tried to explain to me I never got it.  Well, believe me as I lay there I got it.

The results show a minimal uptake in my spine at the surgical site and that damn little nodule in my lung.  So now it’s an MRI of my spine to rule out recurrence of cancer.  Another 45 minutes on a hard, cold table.  Believe me I got it.

Then a week of panic attacks.  Feeling like I wasn’t going to survive another minute of worry and wondering what fun was coming my way.   

Oh, I found out God does have a sense of humor.  As if I wasn’t stressed out enough, the cat does a ninja warrior move and breaks her leg.  The dog gets sick as well.  So now between running to the vet and having to confine a very active cat who’s now wearing a cast I have very little time to think about me.  Thanks God..

The outcome of all this is more radiation to my already glowing, beat up body.   I remember when you would go for walks with me and you walked like an old man.  Well Matt, I walk like an old lady.  I experience the panic attacks and the anxiety you did.  I remember you taking Xanax to help you cope.  I now take Xanax to help me cope.  

I never understood your struggles until they became mine.  Until I walked that same broken road with the same broken body.  How I wish I could talk to you.  The first thing I would tell you is how sorry I am for not showing you more compassion. For not doing all I could to understand where you were coming from.  I believed you were just taking those pills for the hell of it.  I never realized you were taking those pills to not just survive your life but to get a reprieve from the constant pain.

We are so alike.  I never realized this until you left and my life fell apart.  I can’t tell you how many times I want to call you and spill my guts.  To find ways that we could both survive the pain without having to die seeking relief.  

I know it’s too late, but I wanted you to know that finally I Get It.  

Love Forever,  Mom 

 

 

 

Father’s Day Dreaming

June 16, 2024 /

Matt,  Today is Father’s Day and even though you didn’t live long enough to become a father I still wonder what it would have been like if you had.

You were such an amazing Uncle to your brother’s daughter it often makes me wonder how loving a father you would have been to your own children. 

I also wonder if fatherhood was my dream for you.   If marriage and babies were my dream and not yours.  You had so many opportunities to marry, but you continued to stall your relationships.  You were so loved but you continually decided to remain single.

When I think of you on days like this, I imagine how wonderful it would have been to see you holding your firstborn child.  How watching you look into the face of a life you created would have left a lifelong imprint on your heart  and mine.  How watching you hold a toddlers hand as you introduced him to the sea you loved so much or taking your daughter to pick out her first puppy would have been a beautiful gift we could have shared.  

I think of you walking in my door with towhead mini you’s yelling Mom we’re here.  I close my eyes and imagine the joy of hugging little versions of you in my arms.  How wonderful life would have been if my dreams for you came true.  If life would have taken the road I had planned on, not the road that led to this empty space in my heart.  

Sadly, reality leaves my dreams all I have as I think of the what ifs on Father’s Day.  You will never know the joy of loving someone with your entire heart and soul.  You were robbed of the absolute joy of watching your child grow and change year after year.   You were robbed of tee ball games, of birthdays, of boyfriends and girlfriends.  You were robbed of walking your daughter down the aisle or toasting your son on his wedding day.  

Oh Matt, your addiction stole so much from us both and now all I have to hold on to is  my fantasy of a family and a future that was never to be.  It all died with you my beautiful boy.  

 

 

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