Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Category: Uncategorized (Page 3 of 8)

I GET IT

August 15, 2024 /

 

Matt,  I finally understand.   The need to escape the world in which we have nothing but pain and stress.   Until it happened to me I could never comprehend how chronic pain could suck the joy out of life.  I could never understand the power of the anxiety that walks hand in hand with this pain. 

This summer has been a shit show.   June 24th I go to Penn for my 6th month CT.  figuring its been 4 years of clean scans, I was really not thinking anything would have the nerve to pop up after this time.   You know Cancer is a lot like addiction.  It fools you into thinking you are in control then it slaps you in the face with that powerful GOT YA.  

They find a nodule in the base of my right lung.  Seems the little shit has been there for 3 years growing like a nasty weed that you just can’t seem to get rid of.  Now it’s reached the danger zone and something needs to be done.  

So now I have to go through what they call a simulation test.  Sounds so simple, but it’s pure hell.  It’s a combination CT and PET scan where you lay on a hard metal table for what seems like forever.  I remember how after your back surgery you were always so uncomfortable laying on your back.  As I lay there I replayed many conversations we had about your pain.  Still no matter how much you tried to explain to me I never got it.  Well, believe me as I lay there I got it.

The results show a minimal uptake in my spine at the surgical site and that damn little nodule in my lung.  So now it’s an MRI of my spine to rule out recurrence of cancer.  Another 45 minutes on a hard, cold table.  Believe me I got it.

Then a week of panic attacks.  Feeling like I wasn’t going to survive another minute of worry and wondering what fun was coming my way.   

Oh, I found out God does have a sense of humor.  As if I wasn’t stressed out enough, the cat does a ninja warrior move and breaks her leg.  The dog gets sick as well.  So now between running to the vet and having to confine a very active cat who’s now wearing a cast I have very little time to think about me.  Thanks God..

The outcome of all this is more radiation to my already glowing, beat up body.   I remember when you would go for walks with me and you walked like an old man.  Well Matt, I walk like an old lady.  I experience the panic attacks and the anxiety you did.  I remember you taking Xanax to help you cope.  I now take Xanax to help me cope.  

I never understood your struggles until they became mine.  Until I walked that same broken road with the same broken body.  How I wish I could talk to you.  The first thing I would tell you is how sorry I am for not showing you more compassion. For not doing all I could to understand where you were coming from.  I believed you were just taking those pills for the hell of it.  I never realized you were taking those pills to not just survive your life but to get a reprieve from the constant pain.

We are so alike.  I never realized this until you left and my life fell apart.  I can’t tell you how many times I want to call you and spill my guts.  To find ways that we could both survive the pain without having to die seeking relief.  

I know it’s too late, but I wanted you to know that finally I Get It.  

Love Forever,  Mom 

 

 

 

Father’s Day Dreaming

June 16, 2024 /

Matt,  Today is Father’s Day and even though you didn’t live long enough to become a father I still wonder what it would have been like if you had.

You were such an amazing Uncle to your brother’s daughter it often makes me wonder how loving a father you would have been to your own children. 

I also wonder if fatherhood was my dream for you.   If marriage and babies were my dream and not yours.  You had so many opportunities to marry, but you continued to stall your relationships.  You were so loved but you continually decided to remain single.

When I think of you on days like this, I imagine how wonderful it would have been to see you holding your firstborn child.  How watching you look into the face of a life you created would have left a lifelong imprint on your heart  and mine.  How watching you hold a toddlers hand as you introduced him to the sea you loved so much or taking your daughter to pick out her first puppy would have been a beautiful gift we could have shared.  

I think of you walking in my door with towhead mini you’s yelling Mom we’re here.  I close my eyes and imagine the joy of hugging little versions of you in my arms.  How wonderful life would have been if my dreams for you came true.  If life would have taken the road I had planned on, not the road that led to this empty space in my heart.  

Sadly, reality leaves my dreams all I have as I think of the what ifs on Father’s Day.  You will never know the joy of loving someone with your entire heart and soul.  You were robbed of the absolute joy of watching your child grow and change year after year.   You were robbed of tee ball games, of birthdays, of boyfriends and girlfriends.  You were robbed of walking your daughter down the aisle or toasting your son on his wedding day.  

Oh Matt, your addiction stole so much from us both and now all I have to hold on to is  my fantasy of a family and a future that was never to be.  It all died with you my beautiful boy.  

 

 

You Are My Starfish

March 2, 2024 /

 

Matt, I wrote this for you.. 

In all my years of walking on the beach I’ve never found a starfish until yesterday. I felt like a child again as I picked up this fragile, precious creature and held it in my hand. I could feel the tickle as its tiny fingers tried to attach itself to my hand. It was such an incredible moment just standing there holding this incredible creature.

I began to think of the Starfish Story. The one where the little girl was on the beach throwing as many starfish back into the ocean when she is approached by a man. He asks why she is wasting her time as she can’t save them all. As there are thousands along the beach. He tells her she can’t possibly make a difference. The young girl listened as she bent down picking up another and throwing it into the sea. I made a difference for that one she replied to the man.

As I stood there recalling that story I began to cry. I started to think of Matt and all our children as starfish. How so many never made it back to the sea. How people ignored them. Walking right by without a helping hand or kind word. How so many Shunned them and stigmatized their disease.

I thought of the insurance company as that man who tried to discourage the girl from saving them. How those so called professionals told us to practice tough love letting our precious starfish suffer to survive.

I thought of us as the welcoming sea. Always there, always reaching, pushing harder and further until we could grab them and hold on to them placing them safely back to our sea.

I held that perfect, precious creature in my hand and told Matt I was so sorry for not knowing how to save him. For not being that perfect parent who had all the answers. I made a promise to him that this tiny creature would never struggle to live as I knew how to save him.

I walked out into the freezing sea, I stroked the starfish and said a prayer. I prayed that it would survive and would somehow understand that I would never walk by knowing that I could make a difference 

Grief Takes No Holiday

November 23, 2023 /

Matt,  today is Thanksgiving,  my 8th without you.  You would think after all this time the weight would be lighter.  The grief would have lessened it’s grip on my heart.  

I woke today with that familiar lump in my throat.  That feeling of choking that has become a part of life since you left.  I wanted to stop and scream that I just can’t do this anymore.   

I have so much to be grateful for.  Today, Mike and Heather are coming over.  It’s the first time since Covid that we will be spending a holiday together.   He’s frying the turkey like he did your last Thanksgiving at home.  If I close my eyes I can see both of you standing together outside by the fryer, your breath floating in the air as you laughed at a private joke 

Oh how I wish you were here.   How I wish I could look out my window and see you both standing side by side.  How I wish you would walk in my door yelling Hey Mom we need some help. 

Today my grief will be mixed with gratefulness.  Missing your presence at the table.  Your smile. Your voice.  Missing your teasing about my cooking.   I will be grateful for the presence of your brother.  Some of his mannerisms are so much like yours.  The tilt of his head.  How he speaks using his hands.   The way he stands around the table guarding the turkey before everyone gets to praise him for his masterpiece.

I never saw a time when you would not be here.  Never ever imagined the emptiness your absence would create.  I will forever long for your presence.  

I pray Thanksgiving in Heaven is beautiful.  That you are surrounded by love, peace and light.  That one day our souls will be reunited and my heart will be full once again  💕

 

Your Legacy

August 24, 2023 /

Matt,  when I was made aware of how and why you died, I knew I had to do something to prevent another from suffering your fate.

Knowing that your death was preventable lit a fire in my gut and gave me the courage to fight the broken system of sober living homes that played a large part in your death. 

After finding out that the operator of your so called sober home had no license or certification to even open a sober home I was completely blow away.  So in reality he operated a boarding house, preying on the vulnerable population that you were part of.  For $200 dollars a week you got nothing.  No peer support, no meetings, no supervision, just a bed in a room you shared with other men.  

The operator did whatever he wanted.  Kicking people out in the middle of the night with nothing but the clothes on their back.  And with you dropping you off at a motel after you relapsed at 2:30 in the morning knowing you were in distress.  It was just too much trouble for him to call 911, take you to an Emergency Department or a treatment facility. 

He had no one to answer to as he played God with the lives of those living in his facility.  Sadly, when I did my research I found that this was the norm with sober homes.  Anyone could buy or rent a property and label it a sober home.  There were no certifications or licenses required .  Mind blowing since you have to have a license to cut hair in every state.  I’ve never known of anyone who died from a bad haircut!

During my advocacy work, I’d been involved with working on 6 bills all having to do with Substance Use Disorder and how it’s treated in Delaware.  I knew that Sober Homes needed to be licensed and regulated.  I knew the operators must be held accountable by a governing body to protect the individual’s living in the homes.

Our Bill was born in a Bob Evans restaurant after I requested a meeting with a House Representative to discuss my research.  Like me she was appalled at how Sober Homes operated and agreed that we needed to enact legislation to prevent this industry from taking advantage of vulnerable people.

This Bill was first drafted in 2019.  Being derailed by my cancer diagnosis and then Covid.  It was supported, then not supported.  Funded, then not funded.  I felt like I was back on that roller coaster like I was when you were in your active addiction.  

I knew I could never give up, so I kept advocating, reaching out to both the House and Senate telling your story and sharing my research.  I started to feel like it would never happen.  I thought it was a lost cause and I was going to have to live knowing there would be many more Matt’s who would suffer your fate.  

One day my phone rang with the news I had prayed for.  Finally, after 3 years of back and forth, the Bill had gained enough support to be brought before the House for a vote.  I remember sitting there.  I remember my heart beating so loud I could barely hear anything being said.  The vote was a unanimous yes!  I remember feeling like I was dreaming as the congratulatory hugs enveloped my heart. 

The next week we were before the Senate.  Once again my heart was racing as I sat silently praying the members would feel the passion I felt regarding my Bill.  I remember holding my breath as the voting started, closing my eyes feeling the tears run down my face.  One by one I heard yes, yes, yes.  Another unanimous vote. 

My dearest son, my beautiful boy, the Matthew D. Klosowski Act was signed into law by our Governor on August 1st, two days after your birthday.  As I stood next to the Governor and watched him sign our Bill into law, I could picture your smiling face.  As the cameras flashed and the clapping began, all I could think of was you.  

This Bill is your legacy.  Your name and story will forever be remembered.  My gift to you for all the world to see.  Until we meet again.  All my love, Mom  

 

 

 

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