Matt, After all this time my brain continues to go back to the memory of our last hug. You were staying at a treatment facility in Pennsylvania and it was visiting day.
I remember seeing you walk toward me as I sat outside waiting for you to join me. I remember thinking how great you looked. How clear your eyes were. How your smile lit up your face. How healthy you looked and how great it was to be wrapped up in your bear hug.
We sat and talked about your future. You talked about finally having that monkey off your back. You were so excited to begin a new life in a sober home in Florida. Although I was not in favor of you moving so far away from your family, your excitement was contagious and I finally got on board.
I felt that you deserved a fresh start and you always loved living by the sea. I remember thinking how great it would be for you to leave the cold weather behind and enjoy life under the warmth of the Florida sun.
Never did I think our last hug goodbye would be the last hug. That 6 months later you would be gone. That monkey followed you to the sea you so loved and took you from me.
Now I sit with closed eyes and remember. I remember feeling your breath on my hair. I remember the smell of your clothes. The Axe body spray was your signature scent. To this day I fight the impulse to spray the scent as I walk by the aisle full of mens body products knowing that if I do I will fight to remain in control of my emotions.
Oh how I wish we were given the chance to spend more time hugging. More time talking about the hopes and dreams we both had thinking your disease was under control. How I wish I had more time to tell you how proud I was of you. How I loved you unconditionally through your addiction and the aspirations I now had for you in your recovery.
The memory of that hug now haunts me. How I wish I knew then what I know now. How I wish I held on longer and never let you go………